Grammy’s pitcher given to me.
A friend commented on my last post that her death was going to be hard on her kids because she had so many things to go through.
It reminded me that my mom called when she was sixty to say she and my father had been putting their affairs in order, “just in case.”
Since three of my grandparents were still alive at the time, I thought her actions premature.
“We want to make our deaths easier for you kids,” she explained, noting she did not expect the plans to deployed for years.
She died, unexpectedly, four years later.
My paternal grandmother outlived her son.
You never know when death will come.
We were fortunate our parents had most things in place before their deaths.
It’s one of the best gifts they gave us.
When you’re an emotional wreck, the way we were when our mother dropped dead after teeing off at the golf course four days before Christmas, not having to think too hard about the next steps, can help.
Here are four ways parents can make their deaths easier on their kids.
1. Write a will or establish a trust.
Because my parents and my in-laws had already made decisions about their property, we were spared having to figure out some of their basic desires.
I am not a lawyer and you need to check with your own areas concerning legal matters, but in the state of California at that time, having a trust meant we did not have to go through probate.
That saved us money, time and grief.
The trust explained where everything was and valued any expensive items they owned (in Los Angeles, that was the house).
Because they had all written wills and established a trust, they had a lawyer who was very helpful in providing a check off sheet for us to follow.
A corollary is to keep information updated. By the time my grandmother died at 93, everyone she planned to serve as a pallbearer or to sing at her services, was dead.
The sons, grandsons and even great-grandsons filled in and I gave the eulogy.
2. Let your kids know ahead of time what you want done with your body.
Lace from the other Grammy
Three of our parents did this well. When I asked my father point blank what he wanted if the worst happened while he was in surgery, he told me to open my mother’s casket and toss him in.
That wasn’t helpful.
Another time, he told me to have his body cremated and the ashes sent to the Navy to dispose.
My husband has had that duty and didn’t like it.
In the end, my brother and I made the arrangements a month before he died, and he’s buried in the crypt below my mother.
The Navy sent a flag.
3. Sort through your possessions and at least make notes.
My mother had a box of beautiful lace items her mother had made.
Because Mom had gone through it with me, I knew what the aging linens were and why they were significant.
She wrote up a list of her jewelry with the valuation–which meant we knew what things were worth and what she owned (when we went looking for it).
Mom put her photograph albums in order–though she didn’t label much.
LABEL YOUR PHOTOGRAPHS!
Some people put stickers or notes on the back of furniture, noting to whom the possessions should go and why.
Telling the stories is best–and that’s why I know why the little glass pitcher my grandmother gave me is significant.
(She carried it and an egg to the storefront and could get it filled with kerosene when she was a child).
4. Clear your emotional accounts and make sure everyone knows to whom family valuables should go.
My mother didn’t expect to die when she went to play golf one beautiful day. But her relationships were in good order and while we grieved, we didn’t have regrets.
Don’t leave your kids with regrets. Tell them what they need to hear from you, now.
My cousin spent the last year of her too-short life as the executor for her mother’s estate. My aunt had labeled gifts to family members.
Among the last things Joan did was send me a piece of china my aunt had set aside for me.
I still have the wrapping paper with my name written on it in her hand. I can’t bring myself to throw it away.
I don’t think we’re ever really old enough to lose a parent. The hole in our family’s fabric was shredded when my mother died.
It took us a long time to find our way to a mom-less life. We still miss her.
But I don’t have regrets about her. We were in a good place, emotionally, with each other when she died. She had given me everything I needed to be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister.
By putting their house in order early, our parents gave us a wonderful gift: we could grieve together without snipping over the possessions left behind.
Thanks, Mom, for putting the photo albums together.
Peace of mind in a family is priceless.
Many families have issues with each other that seem insurmountable.
Do everyone a favor. Make peace with each other, just like it says in Romans 12:18:
“If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men.”
The kids will thank you for it.
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While my aunt Gert was dying of cancer, she asked people to pick out which possessions of hers they wanted. She didn’t want to have to decide what to leave to whom, with the possibility of some getting something they didn’t really care about.
That summer, she also planned a big party for her neighbors & friends. Of course, she was too weak & tired to do much of the work for the party, but she supervised, & enjoyed it immensely.
She died two weeks later.
What a great idea–she could answer questions, break up heated discussions and see where her possessions went!
Thank you for this post, Michelle. I needed the nudge. We have no trust and no will, and have done very few of the things you suggested. We all think we’ll still have years and years, but it DOES pay to be ready.
We’ve had two unexpected deaths in the last four days in our community. Yeah, it helps to know it’s done for your family.